Uncle Bill's Silly Pages

NOTES FOR THE MILKMAN (from the UK)  

"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."  
"Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk."  
"Cancel one pint after the day after today."  
"Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it." 
"Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk."  
"Milkman. please could I have a loaf but not bread today."  
"Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house  but two sons on the dole."  
"Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had  a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks."  
"Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round."  
"When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and  wake me because I want you 'to give me a hand to turn the mattress.  
"Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last nights Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me  what happened."  
"My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle."  
"Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know  about it until a neighbour told me."  
Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it."  
"From now on please leave two pints every other day and  one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and  Saturdays when I don't want any milk."  
"My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get  money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight."  
"Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday."  
"When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler,  let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door.
PS.  
Don't leave any milk.  

"No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice."  

The Iams Pet Professionals, a team of 30 trained customer service representatives at The Iams Company, handle more than 300,000  inquiries a year from pet owners across the US.

Although the majority of calls to the toll-free number are straightforward pet care and nutrition questions, some can be quite unconventional.

Here are some of the team's favorite calls this year:


"My cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering... how many calories are in a mouse?"

"I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be before I can breed him?"

"Does your dog food help with emancipation?"

"What should I feed a borderline collie?"

"What size litter box do I need to keep my cat comfy?"

"Is it normal for a dog to shed?"

"How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's toothbrush?"

"My cat passed a stool on the indoor rug and it's stuck in the vacuum cleaner.

"How can I get the secret recipe for your Iams® Chunks dog food?" -

"How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?" -

"Your food turned my dog into a stud. Now what do I do?"

"Do you know how to toilet train a cat?"

"I have three cats. Is it true that Eukanuba® Cat Food makes the poop smell better?"

"Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's teeth?"

"Where can I get a six-toed cat?"

"I really like your paw print logo. Does Iams have a tattoo?

The Iams Company Manager of Customer Service says, "Although these questions make us smile, they are legitimate calls from concerned pet owners."

A stupid question deserves an appropriate answer....

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

REASONS FOR DIVORCE A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because she "beat him whenever he removed onions from his hamburger without asking for permission."

A man in Tarritville, Connecticut, filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read: "I have gone to the bridge club.

There'll be a recipe for your dinner at 7 o'clock on Channel 2."

A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina filed for divorce because his wife "was always nagging him in sign language."

A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her husband because he forced her to "duck under the dashboard whenever they drove past his girlfriend's house."

A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband on the grounds that he "stayed home too much and was much too affectionate