A family of 6 have been found frozen to death outside the Cardiff Odeon in Queens Street.  It seems that they had been queuing for two days hoping to see "Closed for the winter"

•  

Gareth James, a Welshman, was shipwrecked and managed to survive, he was marooned on a desert island.  A passing ship picked him up some seven years later and the crew were amazed to find his little island covered in fine buildings that Gareth had constructed all by himself.

With pride Gareth took the Captain round the island and pointed out to him his house, workshop, electricity generator and two chapels.

'But what do you need the second chapel for?' demanded the perplexed captain.

'Come on, boyo,' smiled Gareth impishly, 'that's the chapel I don't go to.'

 

 

A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day, when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream which ran down from one of his fields. Realising the danger, he shouted over to the man, 'Paid a yfed y dwr! Mae'n ych-y-fi!' [Don't drink the water.  It's disgusting!]

The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear, shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking.

Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer, 'Paid a yfed! Dwr ych-y-fi! Defaid yn cachu yn y dwr!' [Don't drink.  Water's disgusting.  Sheep poo in the water.]

Still the walker couldn't hear the farmer. Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream and once again said again, 'Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Paid a'i yfed!'. [Water's disgusting.  Don't drink it!]

'I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I can't understand a word you say dear boy!  Can't you speak English?' said the man at the stream, in a splendid English accent.

'Oh I see', said the farmer, 'I was just saying, if you use both hands you can get more in........ !

 

 

 

 

Three Englishman walk into a bar and spot a Welshman sitting alone at a table.

One fellow said to the others, 'Let's pick a fight with that Welshman over there.'
His partner replied, 'Wait, we don't want to be arrested. Let's make him start the fight.'
The third Englishman said, 'Wait here chaps. I know how to do it.'

He went over to the Welshman and said, 'St David was a flippin' sissy.'
To this the Welshman replied, 'Ah well you don't say!' and calmly resumed drinking his beer.

The second Englishman now tried his luck and said to the Welshman, 'St David was a stupid fool that wore a dress!'
The Welshman again replied, 'You're very sharp, you don't say!' and calmly resumed drinking his beer.

The last Englishman told his friends he knew how to rile the Welshman and bounced up to the table and yelled, 'St David was an Englishman!'

The Welshman replied, calmly, 'That's what your mates were trying to tell me.'

 

 

 

 

A Welsh lad came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.

'Wonderful, 'replies his mother, 'what part is it?'

The boy says, 'I play the part of the Welsh husband.'

The mother scowls and says, 'Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part.'

#

 

 

 

Two Welshmen, Dylan and Glyn, are sitting on a park bench reading their newspapers.

Dylan notices the headline, '12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed.'

Turning to Glyn, Dylan (Dull'un) enquires, 'Just how many is a Brazilian?

 

 

 

A well spoken English gentleman entered into a pub in Llandrindod Wells and drawled, 'Which is the quickest way to get to Cardiff from here?'

Rhys Owen, the landlord answered, 'Are you walking or going by car?'

The Englishman answered, 'Well, by car, of course, my man.'

'That's the quickest way,' retorted the landlord smartly.

 

 

 

 

We once had a second row forward called Dai.  There was also a David who played on the wing, and a Daffyth at fullback.  To distinguish between the 3 Davids, we called our fellow forward Dai 'Eighteen months', because he only had an ear and a half.

 

 

You know you'r Welsh, if you can say yes to any three of the following.


1.You know at least 10 "Dais"

2.You have to explain what "togs" are and more importantly what "daps" are

3.You've suddenly realised that you are 10p short for the Severn bridge

4."Fin hoffi coffi" does not mean fluency in Welsh

5.You've bumped into someone you know on your holidays in the Costa del sol

6.Conversations with Indian call centre workers do not end well

7.You support any team that plays against England

8.You know at least one person who claims they were in school with either Charlotte Church, Katherine Jenkins, Ioan Gryffudd or Catherine Zeta-Jones

9.You wince when you see a Welsh person making a t*at of themselves on TV and they usually have the strongest Welsh accent ever

10.That coat is indeed my jacket

11.You raise a small cheer when you see the "Croeso I Gymru" on the M4 or Welcome to Wales as you come down the hill from Ross into Monmouth.

12.You're a fluent Welsh speaker but turn the pamphlet/leaflet over and read the English version

13.You last name is one of the following: Williams, Gwynne, Bevan, Llewellyn, Morgan, Rees, Powell, Prichard, Howell, Davies, Lewis, Thomas, Jones, Griffiths, Morris, Evans, James, Roberts, Jenkins, Owen or Ap Windsor

14.When you go abroad you have to explain to people where Wales is, and that it is not part of England

15.You can name all the celebrities that have any connection to Wales

16.You own a Stereophonics CD

17.Hugh Pugh, Max Boyce and Derek the Weatherman are all TV personalities you recognize

18.You know who exactly Aneurin Bevan is and what exactly he is famous for

19.A village/town 3 miles away is described locally as being just around the corner or just down the road

20.You don't know the surnames of any of you friends, you refer to them instead as Dai the Milk, Will the shop, Ron Top Road, or Mark Ty-Draw

21.You remember watching Ivor the Engine, Will Quack Quack, Sam Tan and Super Ted

22.A butty is your mate not a sandwich

23.The word "Never" is used on a daily basis and everything "does my head in"

24.You've used the phrase "I'll be there now in a minute" on several occasions

25.Proper, Cwtch, Tidy, Potch, Dap, and Courting are daily used phrases

YCH A FI!

 

 

 

 

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1961, and Ianto had a date with Myfanwy.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
'Oh, come on in!' Myfanwy’s mother said as she welcomed Ianto in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'
'Iced tea, please,' Ianto replied.
Myfanwy’s mother brought the iced tea. 'So, what are you and Myfanwy planning to do tonight?' she asked.
'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the fish and chip shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..'
'Myfanwy likes to screw, you know,' her mother informed him.
'Really?' Ianto replied, his eyebrows rising.
'Oh yes,' the mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do! Screw, again and again!!'
'Is that so?' asked Ianto, incredulous.
'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
'Well, thanks for the tip!' Ianto said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Myfanwy came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Ianto.
'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.
Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Myfanwy burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
'The Twist, Mam!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. 'The f**king dance is called the Twist!!!

 

 

 

 

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.

When they reached
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwylll lantysiliogogoch
they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress, 'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?'

The girl leaned over and said,


'Burrr … gurrr … king'

 

 

 

 

Carmarthen Police reports finding a man's body in the river Towy,
just west of the Llandussyl Bridge.
The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on dildo,
and a “Gordon Brown for PM” T-shirt. He also had a cucumber stuffed up his backside.
The police removed the Gordon Brown t-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary
embarrassment.

 

 

 

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and the Antarctic down there will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to an unusually shaped land mass and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Wales, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets, beaches and rolling hills. The people from Wales are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they are going to be great sportsmen, singers and poets. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, you`ve given them everything, a perfect land God? You said there would be balance!" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the neighbours I’m giving them

 

 

 

 

A Roman general led his legion into Wales. As they were marching there was an uproar from the top of the nearby hill. When the General looked up at the peak, he saw a Welshman screaming down at them and banging on his shield. The General, thinking to make quick the execution of this rebel, sent 5 men up to kill him. As the 5 soldiers ran up the hill, the Welshman ran over the ridge out of sight. The legionaires follow him. The General could overhear the din of battle and smiled as he was pleased with his men. However, it was the blood-drenched Welshman who returned.
Furious, the General sent 15 men this time. As the soldiers got near him, again the Welshman ran over the hilltop and out of view. The soldiers followed. Again the General could hear the din of battle. Again the Welshman came back into view with no legionaires returning.
Infuriated beyond belief, the General sent 50 men to take out this Welshman. Like before the Welshman ran out of view with the legionaires following behind. Once more the General listened to the din of battle, but this time a lone legionaire returned crawling across the ridge, though the battle on the other side of the hill continued.
The injured legionaire shouted down to the General, "Call a retreat General! We've been had, it's a trap! There are two of them!!

 

 

 

 

"What's the difference between a sheep and a Skoda?".. " I'ts more embarrasing getting out of the back of a Skoda".

 

 

 

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

 

 

 

A man walks into a bar near Machynlleth and asks for a pint. Soon, twenty other customers walk in and each and every one of them say " A pint for me and a pint for Dai in the corner ". Our man looks to the corner and sees a little chap with the ugliest face on the planet. He's intrigued and asks the landlord what's the story.

The landlord tells him that on the previous New Years Eve, Dai in the corner was a strapping 6ft 8ins miner. At about ten to twelve that night the ceiling started to collapse but Dai stood up and held the ceiling in place until he was reduced to his present size.

!Oh! I see! but why is he so ugly?"


"That's where we wedged him in with a sledge hammer"

 

An English politician was giving a speech in Aberystwyth. He said,

“I was born an Englishman. I have been an Englishman all my life, and I will die an Englishman!”

“What’s wrong boyo?” shouted a voice from the crowd.” Got no ambition, have you?”

 

 

A small airplane was flying across the Atlantic. It was carrying four passengers, a Welshman, a Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman. Suddenly the pilot announced,

“The engine caught fire. You will have to get parachutes from the storage cabinet and jump out!”

The Irishman grabbed a parachute, shouted, “God bless Ireland” and jumped out. Then the Scotsman strapped on a parachute, shouted, “Scotland the brave” and jumped out. Then the Welshman shouted, “Long live Wales” and threw the Englishman out without a parachute.

 

 

Colonel Johnson had been living in a Welsh village for fifteen years. The local people liked him even though he was English. One day, when he was working in the garden the vicar came up to him.

“Good morning Colonel. I don’t believe we’ve seen you in church yet.”

“Good morning Vicar. Well, I am an English speaker and your services are conducted in Welsh.”

“Yes,” said the vicar, “but the collection is in English!”

 

 

 

Three men are sitting in the maternity ward. One is an Englishman, one a Welshman and the other a Jamaican. Suddenly the doctor comes and says,

“Gentlemen, your wives have all had little boys! However in the confusion we may have mixed the babies up. Could you come to the nursery to help us identify them?"

The Welshman ran to the nursery, picked up a dark-skinned baby with dreadlocks and said,

“This boy is mine.”

The surprised doctor said, “But this child looks Jamaican.”

“True,” said the Welshman “but there is a fifty fifty chance that one of the others is English, and I’m not taking the risk.”