Uncle Bill's Silly Pages

Grandchildren humour:

I was in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, under the watchful eyes of my young granddaughter, as I'd done many times before. After I applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet
paper good-bye...

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the
room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire, and it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her  grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked.  "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."  "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.  "Sure," said the young boy confidently. It means carrying a child."

A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.  Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.  "No," saidanother. "He's just for good luck."  A third child brought the argument
to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

My grandparents are funny. When they bend over, you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

A man goes into a restaurant and asks, "How do you prepare the chicken?"

"We don't," replies the waiter. "We just look it straight  in the eyes and tell it that it's going to die."

We were shopping at the mall when a gorgeous young woman in a short, form- fitting dress strolled by. 

I did not restrain my eyes or imagination from following her. 

Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked,"Was that worth the trouble you're in?

Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be  bothered to walk all the way home.' 

'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.' 

'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate. 

They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look- out. 

After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?' 

'I can't find a No. 91' 

'Oh Jeysus Christ, ye tick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.

A 17-year-old girl came home with five job applications. She carefully filled them out, and later asked her mother to look them over.
All the answers were clear and concise and she noticed that on all five applications, under "Previous Employment", she had listed "Baby-sitting".
But then she read, under "Reason for Leaving" her daughter had answered, "Parents came home."