Uncle Bill's Silly Pages

Did u know this message cost 12p?This could have fed a muslim boy in Afghanistan for a whole day. Send this to 7 of your mates & starve the cunt for a week ...

I'm fed up with the excuses women come out with to avoid sex;

"I'm washing my hair" "I'm tired"

"I've got a headache"

"I'm your sister..."

Cheryl cole is releasing her follow up single to 'Fight for this love'. 'Fuck off you cheating black cunt' is expected to be in the charts next week.

So Cheryl Cole is no longer a WAG, unfortunately Ashley is still a WOG!

A bloke says to his wife"Why don't you ever tell me when you are having an orgasm?"

She says" I don't like ringing you at work!

So my flatmate has a sister. I'd never met her before; she's 14 and staying for the week during half term.

Last night my flatmate went to bed early and I stayed up playing Xbox. After a while I noticed his sister staring at me.

"Hi." she said nervously and came and sat next to me.

I put down the controller and looked at her. She was mature for her age - relatively tall, nice figure, confident and a pair of tits that wouldn't have looked out of place on a 20 year old.

What I'm trying to say is that she didn't look 14...

Which is why I didn't bother raping her.

My uncle was a rubbish ventriloquist...

He used to put his fingers up my arse and ask me not to say anything!

I feel it's about time I said something about all the racist jokes you keep sending me. I'm fed up with them and find them offensive. When I was growing up my best friend was black. We would play together happily for hours .....until my dad sold him.

Winston Singh a half Indian half Black kid asks his Mum

"Am I mostly Black or am I mostly Asian?"

"Your'e just my son" the Mother replies "But why ask such a question?"

"Well my mate is selling his bike for £50 and I don't know whether to be an Indian & haggle or just stab the cunt & take it."

A farmer who wants a divorce goes 2c a lawyer, the farmer says "Oi wants to get wan of them dayvorces"

Lawyer..."Do you hav grounds?

Farmer... "Yes, i gots me 40 acres"

Lawyer "No, you dont understand, do u have a suit?"

Farmer..."Yes, oi wears it to church on Sundays"

Lawyer..."No, i mean do u have a grudge?

Farmer..."Yes, that's where i park the tractor"

Lawyer..."Does ur wife beat you up?"

Farmer..."No, we both get up at 5.30"

Lawyer gets annoyed & tries one last question..."Is ur wife a nagger?...

"No, she's white, but the baby's a nagger, that's why i wants a fuckin dayvorce!!

I'm guaranteed to shag the missus up the arse this weekend. She's dyslexic and think's it's Vaseline's Day.

I've been stuck with the crossword all day. "Famous Jewish baker" 6 letters? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Took me ages, but I got it in the end........ Hitler!

Man has a sex change. Mate asks, ''Did it hurt when they chop your bits off?'' He replied, ''Not as much as when they shrank my brain & widened my gob"

When asked if he preferred legs or breasts paddy said that he had a particular fondness for shaved fannies. He was informed that this wasn't an option with kfc

The mrs just told me that yesterday Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected his special resin into her crack -im not normally suspicious but she hasn't even got a fuckin car...!

A bird served me in macdonalds the other day. She said "sorry about the wait" I said "don't worry you fat cunt you'll lose it eventually

My Mrs said i couldnt multi task today so i proved her wrong. Pissing whilst getting a blow job probably wasnt the best way to prove it

Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby, but he was born without ears. Johnny and his Mum and Dad went to visit the baby and Johnny was warned not to mention its ears or he would get a spanking. Johnny looked in the cot and said "What a lovely baby. How's his eyesight ?" The baby's mother said it was perfect. Johnny replied "Thats great 'cos he'd be fucked if he needed glasses !"

-Ive got a valentine's poem that has never yet failed to get me in a girl's knickers:-

roses are red, violets are blue, ive got a knife, now get in the van.

Justt driving my new Toyota Prius. Chat later, can't stop.

l've just come out the chippy with a meat and potato pie, large chips, curry sauce and a jumbo sausage. A poor cold homeless man sat there and said "l've not eaten for 2 days".

I told him "I wish I had your fucking willpower!"

Two mates having a drink. One says 'if i went to your house while you were at work, shagged your wife, sucked her tits, muffed her duff and she got pregnant would that make us related?' mate replies...... 'dunno about related but it would definitely make us even.....

I saved a woman from getting raped in Bristol last night! Yeah i stayed in.

I was in the shower wanking the other day when all these women and children gathered outside my cubicle...............

That's when I got thrown out of Homebase.

I'm amazing at sex.

I was fucking a girl in Haiti, and she said 'it was like the ground moved'.

I'm only joking. She didn't say anything. She was dead.

I went to the doctors to get my balls checked out. While he was fondling my balls he said "Dont worry, its quite normal to get an erection." I said "WHAT? I haven't got one" he said "no, but I have ! ".

What's the difference between a healthy nigger and a nigger with no legs?

Nothing, neither of them work and they both claim benefits.

Black woman went for an abortion.

Two weeks later she received a cheque for £300.

She rang the hospital to ask who it was from.

Hospital said,

'Crimestoppers'

3 black kids moved in next door.They asked me if I wanted to have a water fight so I thought I'd send u a text while I'm waitin for the kettle to boil....