Q. Why are the light switches in Wales labeled ON and OFF in English?
A. Because the Welsh can tell when the light is on!
Two Welshmen meet in heavan, sitting on St. Peter's bench before the Pearly Gates.
"So what brings you here, Tom?"
"Hypothermia", replies Tom. "Froze to death. What about you, Gwyn?"
"Well, Tom, I was so sure my wife was having an affair, I bought a shotgun, came home and searched everywhere: the bedroom, the kitchen, the basement -- everywhere! Didn't find anyone so, in despair, I shot myself".
"Esgob," says Tom, "If you had only looked in the freezer, we might both still be alive.
A guy walks into a doctor’s office and says, "Doc, I can't stop singing the ‘Green, Green Grass of Home’."
"Sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome."
Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
I called the local newspaper's classified section to complain about an ad I'd placed.
It was obvious the person who took my information had never spent any time on a farm.
"I said 'ewes,'" I argued.
"Pardon?" replied the operator.
"Ewes. It makes a difference to some people."
The ad that was placed read: "Sheep for sale - USED."
A professor and his wife stayed on a farm in mid-Wales one summer.
They enjoyed it but were doubtful about going back there the following year because of the smell of the pig-sty next to the house.
The professor wrote to the farmer about it and the farmer replied:
"We haven't had any pigs on the farm since you were here last summer. Do come again."
Two old ladies from Liverpool on holiday in Colwyn Bay decided to have their photograph taken by a beach photographer.
Having posed them suitably he disappeared under his old-fashioned black hood behind the camera.
"What's he doing now?" asked one of the old ladies, timidly.
"Oh, he's going to focus", replied the other. "What, both of us?"
An Englishman on holiday in Penmaenmawr was told that the chapel had driven all the loose women out of the village, but that they still operated in caves up in the mountain at the back.
"It's very simple", said his Welsh informant, "you go up there and shout yoo-hoo-hoo outside the cave. If there is no answer then she is busy, but if she shouts yoo-hoo-hoo back, you go in and negotiate."
That evening the Englishman climbed up to the cave and shouted but there was no reply so he decided to go back to the pub. On the way back he came across another big cave at the foot of the mountain so he went to the entrance and shouted yoo-hoo-hoo as loud as he could.
Yoo-hoo, yoo-hoo-oo-oo-oo replied the cave. Full of excitement, the Englishman rushed into the dark entrance and was run over by the express train for Holyhead.
A tourist stopped to chat with a Cardigan farmer who was putting up a building.
"What are you building?" he asked.
"Well, if I can let it", said the farmer, "it's a rustic cottage. And if I can't, it's a cow shed."
A prominent Welsh minister travelling home one night was greatly annoyed when a young man much the worse for drink came and sat next to him on the bus.
"Young man," he declared, "do you not realise you are on the road to perdition?"
"Oh, Hell," replied the drunkard, "I could have sworn this bus went to Llanelli."
Q: What do you call a sheep tied to a fence in Wales?
A: A leisure center.
Q. What do you call a Welshman with many girlfriends?
A. A Shepherd.
Q. Did you hear that Welsh people have discovered a new use for sheep?
A. Wool.
Old Jones' nickname
A man moves to a village in Wales and gets talking to an old man from the village.
He asks the old man what his name is, but the old man gets very irate at this point and says:
- See that line of houses over there? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the house builder? Do they hell!
- See those railway lines over there? I laid them all, but do they call me Jones the engineer? Do they hell!
- See those bridges over that river? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the bridge builder? Do they hell!
- But, you shag one little sheep...
A Russian spy was dropped by parachute in the Welsh hills with instructions to contact a Mr. Jones who lived in the small village of Llanfair, and give him the code message "the tulips are blooming well today."
Arriving at the village he asked a small boy where Mr. Jones lived and was directed to a small cottage at the end of the village.
He knocked on the door and the owner emerged. "Are you Mr. Jones?"
"I am."
"The tulips are blooming well today."
Mr. Jones stared at him in amazement and then smiled.
"Ah, you must have come to the wrong house. It's Jones-the-spy you want."
Dai Jones predeceased his wife by several years, so when she died, she asked St. Peter if her husband was there.
"Well", said St. Peter, "we've got thousands of Jones's here, what's his first name?"
"Dai", said Mrs. Jones,
"Dai Jones." "We've got hundreds of Dai Jones's too," said St. Peter,
"can't you identify him more specifically?"
"Well," said Mrs. Jones, "before he died he said that if ever I was unfaithful to him he'd turn in his grave."
"Oh, I know who you are looking for", said St. Peter, "your husband must be old Pinwheel Jones."
Martyn Williams from Carmarthen, South Wales, was visiting London for the first time. He really wanted to buy a hat and the one he chose was priced at £20 [$35 USD].
Martyn spoke to the shop assistant, 'Back home in Carmarthen I could get a hat like this for only £5.'
The assistant answered, 'Well, sir, the thing is we have large shop window here, often in the sun, and when the hats fade we send them to places like Carmarthen. And by the way my wife comes from Carmarthen. You may have known her. She was Blodwyn Thomas, who lived at the bakery.'
'Yes, I know her, boyo,' replied Martyn smiling. 'She was very pretty. I took her out many a time. But you know, when things get a bit faded in Carmarthen we send them to London.'
Mrs Hopkins ordered a shoulder of Welsh lamb from her butcher, Mr Davies. She suspected that the meat she had been given was not the genuine article.
'Are you certain this is real Welsh lamb?' Mrs Hopkins demanded, angrily.
'Ah, well, Mrs Hopkins,' confessed Mr Davies, the butcher. 'Look you, that lamb was actually born in New Zealand but I can assure you that it had Welsh parents.'
Welsh Travel
A well spoken English gentleman entered into a pub in Llandrindod Wells and drawled, 'Which is the quickest way to get to Cardiff from here?'
Rhys Owen, the landlord answered, 'Are you walking or going by car?'
The Englishman answered, 'Well, by car, of course, my man.'
'That's the quickest way,' retorted the landlord smartly.
Gareth James, a Welshman, was shipwrecked and managed to survive, he was marooned on a desert island.
A passing ship picked him up some seven years later and the crew were amazed to find his little island covered in fine buildings that Gareth had constructed all by himself.
With pride Gareth took the Captain round the island and pointed out to him his house, workshop, electricity generator and two chapels.
'But what do you need the second chapel for?' demanded the perplexed captain.
'Come on, boyo,' smiled Gareth impishly, 'that's the chapel I don't go to.'
An English politician was giving a speech in Aberystwyth. He said,
“I was born an Englishman. I have been an Englishman all my life, and I will die an Englishman!”
“What’s wrong boyo?” shouted a voice from the crowd.” Got no ambition, have you?”
Dylan Williams from Caernarfon was selling herrings. It was soon after World War II.
Mrs. Davies asked, “How much are they?”
“Ten pence each,” answered Dylan.
“My goodness,” said Mrs. Davies “They are expensive and so thin.”
Dylan said “So would you be, woman, if you had been avoiding submarines for five years.”
Three men are sitting in the maternity ward. One is an Englishman, one a Welshman and the other a Jamaican. Suddenly the doctor comes and says,
“Gentlemen, your wives have all had little boys! However in the confusion we may have mixed the babies up. Could you come to the nursery to help us identify them?"
The Welshman ran to the nursery, picked up a dark-skinned baby with dreadlocks and said,
“This boy is mine.”
The surprised doctor said, “But this child looks Jamaican.”
“True,” said the Welshman “but there is a fifty fifty chance that one of the others is English, and I’m not taking the risk.”
Colonel Johnson had been living in a Welsh village for fifteen years. The local people liked him even though he was English. One day, when he was working in the garden the vicar came up to him.
“Good morning Colonel. I don’t believe we’ve seen you in church yet.”
“Good morning Vicar. Well, I am an English speaker and your services are conducted in Welsh.”
“Yes,” said the vicar, “but the collection is in English!”
Rhys Parry, a taxi driver, was taking an American tourist from Bristol to Cardiff. When they were going over the Severn Bridge, the American told Rhys that he had a longer bridge on his ranch in Colorado. When they arrived in Cardiff, Rhys showed the tourist Cardiff Castle. The American said that his garage in Colorado was twice as big and only took a week to build. When the tourist spotted the Millennium Stadium, he asked Rhys what it was.
“I don’t know, mate, it wasn’t there this morning.”
An American holidaymaker was driving through a village near Llanidloes. Suddenly he saw a chicken with three legs! He stopped the car but when he got near the chicken, it ran away like the wind. Then the American saw a local farmer and asked him,
“Have you seen a three-legged chicken running down the road?”
“Possibly,” said the farmer “I have been breeding three-legged chickens for years to sell to families of three people who all like a chicken leg on Sunday.”
“And what do such chickens taste like?”
“I don’t know, mate, we haven’t caught one yet.”
An Englishman was walking down the street in Llandudno when he met Dai Davies standing beside a big strong horse.
“How much do you want for this horse?” asked the Englishman.
Dai Davies answered, “This horse doesn’t look good these days.”
The Englishman said, “I’ve been trading horses all my life and there’s nothing a country boy like you can tell me about them. Just name your price and let me be the judge of what’s good-looking and what’s not.”
“Two thousand pounds,” said Dai.
“Deal,” said the Englishman and bought the horse. When he was leading the horse, it walked right into a lamppost. The Englishman ran back to Dai and shouted,
“You didn’t tell me this horse was blind!”
Dai said, “But I told you this horse didn’t look good.”
Did you hear about the Valleys girl who wanted to get dirty with her boyfriend?
He took her to a coalmine.
Dai and Blodwyn were engaged to be married. Dai was sent by his company to London on a two-week sales training course. The course was fine but the evenings were boring and by the second week Dai was fed up with sitting around in his hotel bedroom and went down to the bar for a few drinks where he met a couple of girls of the night, who enticed him into spending his money.
On returning home Dai’s conscience got the better of him and he broke down and confessed to Blodwyn that he had been unfaithful to her twice.
Blodwyn said she was glad Dai had been so honest – she too had to confess that she had been unfaithful twice whilst Dai had been away... once with the Tredegar Male Voice Choir and once with the Ebbw Vale RFC first XV.
Do you know that Mary just got married yesterday?
- oh, God, is she pregnant?
No..
- well, that's posh...
The Welsh Assembly announced recently the opening of Wales's second airport, the Gurnos Estate International Airport in Merthyr Tydfil.
The first flight to arrive was the 11.50 Virgin Airlines Cross-Atlantic flight from America. The people from Gurnos estate were so excited that they raced to meet the flight, as it was the first Virgin seen in the area for 20 years.
The return journey to America was due for departure at 12.30, but it was delayed because when the pilot went to the aircraft he found it up on blocks and stripped to the bone. As a result every house in the Gurnos now has a new hall carpet, every lounge now has a reclining chair, every bed has new pillow cases, and Mrs Bowen who is living on the end of the street has a new number for the house, number 747.
