Uncle Bill's Silly Pages

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.  

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.  

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.  

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.  

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.  

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.  

Lymph (v), to walk with a lisp.  

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.  

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.  

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.  

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.  

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.  

Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.  

Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.  

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.  

As a change, we thought we would bring you something different in this section today, so we have:

Menage a'moi, Terms for Female Masturbation:

5 Digit Disco
Buzzing the honey hole
Backslappin' Betty
Bailing out the Gravy Boat
Beaver bashin'
Bouncing the bearded clam
Buffing the box
Buffing the jewel
Buttering up the whisker biscuit
Clam twiddlin' jamboree
Critter crammin'
Damming the beaver
Dialing "O" on the little pink telephone
Diddling miss daisy
Diggin' for clams
Digitis Erectus
Fingering the fountain
Flicking the minnow
Friday night lip service
Frosting the muffin of love
Giving yourself the finger
Going for the gooey duct
Impeaching Bush
Juicing the clam
Let your fingers do the walking
Lip smacking
Petting the kitty
Piddly Diddler
Playing the squeezebox
Pokin' the pie
Polishing the little pink pearl
Pumping the kooter
Punchin' the chipmunk
Reading in Braille
Riding the clitorisauras
Romancing thy own
Roughing up the suspect
Self-guided tuna boat tour
Smacking Jerry Garcia on the nose
Spanking Lucy
Stroking the newt
Ticklin' the taco
Tissue tickling
Twirling the pearl
Unbuttoning the fur coat
Warming the wrist rocket

These may take some working out.

Ballistic – a damnable lump of wood

Valedictorum – when things are torn by a twat from Wales

Banister – to outlaw ogling

Prima Donna – before Madonna

Tonality – the property of being like a toenail

Dandelion – a gay feline

Teacake – wood pain

Defer – to strip something of its hair

Detrimental – that tree is insane

Condemn – how you get people to give you their money

Celeritous – to toss celery

Dumbfounded – discovered by a flying elephant

Existential – smelling of eggs

Clandestine – the Stein family

Disturbing – to remove one’s turban

Pandering – to paint something black and white

Mosquito – a little place of worship

Morbid – what continues an auction

Deliberate – to lock someone up

Unfasten – to slow someone down

Improvise – to alter an imp

Mushroom – where huskies are kept

Senile – thinking you’re in Egypt

Vindicate – a girl who eats mostly curry

Jezebel – a posh doorbell

Inflammatory – to set light to David Cameron

Hobgoblin – to eat a kitchen appliance

Eye doctor – online medical advice

Matriculate – to move away from Imperial measurements

Chlamydia – a damp stag

Ajudicate - having felated a Hebrew 

Dictaphone, someone you don't like calling

Stockade, fizzy Oxo

Offset, regulating authority for badger inspection

Laburnum, A French barbecue

Venezuela, A gondola fitted with a harpoon

Undeterred A skid mark

Lederhosen – spraying the postman 

Philosophy – when you’ve had enough of Sophie

Solicitor – a sad Chinese man sitting down

Cooperation – a speech from the head of a supermarket

Samurai – the choice between me and Sam

Hirsute – what she wears to work