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Uncle Bill's Sporadic Jokes

19th of November 2009

  





The Jewish sisters-in-law meet at their weekly session
at the beauty shop. Ruth says to Golda, "Such news I got
for you, Golda! My Irving is finally getting married.
He tells me he is engaged to this wonderful Jewish girl,
but he thinks the poor darling may have some strange
illness called herpes."After offering congratulations,
Golda says to Ruth, "So, Ruthie, do you have any idea what
is this herpes, and can your Irving catch it?"
Ruth answers, "God forbid! But his Papa and I are just
so happy to hear about his engagement. You know how
we've all worried about him.  It's past time he's settled
with a nice girl. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?"
"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary,
you know, Ruthie. I'll just run home right now and look it
up and call you."Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth
excitedly, "Ruth! Ruth!  Thank goodness, I found it.
Not to worry! It says herpes is a disease affecting the gentiles



The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.


Keep your eyes wide open before the wedding, half shut afterwards.


By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.


A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended.


My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.


My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.


I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.


I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.


Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.



There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.


 



You seem to have a good imagination.
Try this: Pretend there are two dice on your computer keyboard.

Got the picture?

Good.

Now, pick up one of them and imagine you see the spots.

What number is it?

Did the number remind you of your first sexual experience?

No, probably not.

Now put down that die and pick up the other one and look at the
spots.

How many do you see?

What's the number?

Did THAT make you think of your first sexual experience?

I suppose it didn't.

Now pick up both the dice and shake them in your hand.

Are you shaking them?

Good.

I bet THAT reminds you of your first sexual experience!





 


Jack and his fiancée Jill were a modern couple, quite realistic about the state of marriage these days.

They met with the minister of the church to discuss their marriage vows.

"Pastor," said Jill, "we wonder if we could make a change in the wording of our ceremony."

"Yes, Jill," replied the pastor, "it is sometimes done. What do you have in mind?"

"Well," said Jill, "we'd like to alter the 'until death do us  part' section to read,

'Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.' "

 






When Nick's wife had her second child she purchased Nick a blue T- shirt for father's day with big white letters NTSD on the front.

Her friend asked her at work one day what the letters meant.

She replied,"Nick thinks it means Nick's The Special Dad but actually it stands for

Not The Sperm Donor."

When arriving to the office, his colleagues laughed at him, because he had a big bruise under each eye.

"What happened?", they asked him.

"Well, the one under my left eye my wife gave me when she found out that I have a mistress."

"Ha ha ha...And the one under your right eye ?"

"It's from my mistress.... when she found out that I have a wife